Monday, October 1, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I had a memory today - from the sparkly side of under fifty, I recalled watching my "girlfriend" doing something oh, let's call it, of a self-preserving nature, and I remember thinking to myself "I'll never do that." I later watched this same friend do another thing and talk about more things to which my -49 year old brain instantly shuddered and my -49 nose instantly turned up! My friend is gone now so I can't apologize to her personally, for truly, even though I didn't say a word, I know to the depth of my being that she both heard and understood my repugnance loud and clear. I'm going to say it anyway. I'm sorry Sue. I wish I'd been more understanding and much less condescending.
But the funny thing is? My dear friend was condescending towards me and a few of the others in our tight circle. My friends P. and M. were nearer my age, and she had a few that were closer to hers. On the edges of this circle were my two daughters, at that time about 16-18.
I realized today with that brilliant flash of epiphany that we enjoy so rarely in our lives. Age is so much more than a number.
It's because of age that I can reminisce back to days of my youth now without utter horror and pain, I can look back and say "thank You for the strength gained from those years" and I can honestly share the pure release of actual forgiveness. Funny, really, true forgiveness isn't simply saying "I forgive you" and walking away, you must actually release the wrong doing from your being and consciously release the wrong-doer at the same time. Otherwise, it's just words. This is because of age.
Oh truly, there are some who at an early age learn with clarity some things that I, at 54 am now just beginning to grasp, I welcome their wisdom and appreciate their glow but I've learned to no longer assume that.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Mondays are usually a promising day for me...today, I arrived at my place of work today with several thoughts flitting about in my un-caffeinated brain (neither tea nor coffee had made the break yet). "It's Monday, stay positive" "Thank You for this job!!!" "How can I adjust that budget?" "Better get the notes formulated from the weekend's retreat on..." "wow, I left my desk THAT MESSY?"
Got the coffee now taking a quick break before diving in. Here are a few of the blogs I read on a regular basis:
Your Success Corner
VERY good tips this morning; deal breakers, actually - thank you RENA WILLIAMS
This one is NOT so ugly he's cute!!!
One Perfect Bite
Beautiful delicious - and ATTAINABLE recipes!!!
These are just the first three that grabbed me this morning. I'll share more another day.
Because it's Monday and my last week was fraught with meeting after meeting I have a lot of minutiae to catch up with...please pay my friends a visit but I'll have the tea on again tomorrow!!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
We went on a short day trip to Wallowa to help out with the service up at the lake...
After our dip we continued on the road home...after saying thank you for this beautiful place...
On our way home we saw riotous colors and heard the birds singing...it was almost TOO beautiful sometimes.
It's been a difficult painful year - sadness returns from time to time but always in my heart I am grateful. I'm grateful to be home, I'm thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY to be home and to be an Indian woman living in centuries old traditions...
and I'm thankful for each new day...it's true what has been said..."Weeping may endure for a night but JOY comes in the morning!"
Monday, July 16, 2012
I will share with you the outcome though.
I am not the judge.
Whether I agree with your viewpoint, opinion, feeling, action, inaction, response, unresponsiveness, any of it. Whether I like or dislike your outfit today, the way you fix your hair or even the label of your shoes...or even if I've staunchly defended you in the wake of what seemed to me to be ludicrous accusations, I'm not here to judge, when it's time for me to take that place, I'll have to go alone and Someone else will do the judging.
I am not perfect.
A flawed creation is one who can change. For some reason this is exciting, not discouraging. A daunting task looms though, if I look at myself in the mirror and ignore such flaws. I choose to be thankful for those who willingly point out my many flaws...Someone will help me help me change.
I don't know everything.
Although I've been on this earth a fairly long time, my learning curve varies. Some things I learned quickly and avidly. Others, I was a little slow on the uptake. I still have much, much more to learn. Hopefully though, I'll study hard and pass the tests...one day I hope to make Someone proud.
It was a long, difficult weekend. The lessons learned came at a price but at the end of the day, I would not trade these lessons for another moment. THANK YOU
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
<p>Oh we whined and writhed, stomped our feet EVERY TIME it rained! "When will summer EVER get here," we exclaimed...finally, Wiiaatinaat showed up in his glory. Auntie Umatilla slimmed down but cheerfully makes her dainty way down her rocky bed...summer's HERE & where do we all run???? FIRST AND COLDEST A/C AVAILABLE!!!
Friday, June 22, 2012
I do hope if you're sad, you'll take a break, find something to smile about and have a nice iced tea with an old friend...
I hope if you're homeless that some grateful benefactor grants you a boon and provides for you a soft bed for just one night...
I hope if you're lonely you may take just this one weekend to embrace solitude and enjoy...
I hope if you're joyful you'll take a moment to dance it out and
I hope if you're hopeful your prayers will be answered...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
On May 22, the Rock of our family, the glue who held us together when none of us could stand the sight of each other, my strong and wise brother D_____ passed away. I'm still sad about this. The pain of not knowing he's over the hills down in the hollow makes me nauseous at times. Knowing I won't see him at THAT machine when I'm at the casino and all these other thoughts that occur when you've lost someone as close as a brother are my ever-present company.
But wisdom is found in unlikely places, a beautiful grandma in a movie once said "if you're sad, cry. but keep going, there's things to be done" so there it is. When I'm sad, I cry.
As trite as it sounds, life DOES go on...
Pictured to the right is another wise tribal elder. One of my OTHER brothers and I thoroughly enjoyed her stories and the amazing sparkle of her eyes...
My little grand-daughter Nellie still needs her snacks:-) and of course, being the kautsa I am, I couldn't just peel the banana and give it to her, I had to artfully slice it, a dollop of whip cream and garnish of love? I mean please. ANYONE can just PEEL a banana!
I still look for my brother in the parking lot. We didn't seek each other out often, but we worked in the same building. In my life, with the intricate weaving of paths and choices, I wasn't reunited with my biological family until I was almost 20. At that time this brother that left us was the first to "take me in" if you will. He contacted me ofen and although I don't recall our visits as being earth-shatteringly amazing, it was such a comfort to now "have someone," for truly, in my adopted family, I knew I didn't belong. My brother gave me away at my wedding in 1981. A few months before he passed he called me up to talk about some tribal politics, questions he had about things and our conversation turned to different projects and work I do. He questioned me at length about these and when we were almost ready to hang up he said "well, you haven't been home very long and you've done so many things. I'm really proud of you Bones (family nickname), I'm just really proud of you..." He's literally the only family member who's said that to me.
On to the business at hand. Literally.\
Something about colors is comforting and brings me joy. I just finished this doily and I was pretty much please as punch with the colors under the candle in the crystal bowl on my coffee table. Something about working with your hands kind of heals those broken places.
More comfort is I have a new friend, she's got the softest beautiful brown eyes you can imagine, her smile lights up an entire room and she's got warmth like no other. What a blessing to find a new friend then my brother tells me we're actually cousins. HELLO:-) Another happy thought? My sister and I are much closer. I should probably call her right now!
Laughter brings healing. Songs bring healing. This is an amazing world, hopefully, if I follow the ways set down by elders upon elders, I'll see my brother again from the OTHER side of the sky. Until then, I hope I'm still making him proud, I hope he knows I'm doing my best to follow the teachings brought out by his sudden passing...take care of your family, show the ones you love by doing, not just saying, walk away from petty gossip and turn away from empty chatter...keep a song in your heart and sing it every night. Look around you and with reckless abandon, embrace the beauty.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Back in the '70's I hitchhiked about a great deal. I often went to places I couldn't even IMAGINE going today and nothing daunted, went wading in with all due social ineptness. While outwardly brave, my inner child was just that. A child.
Often I would find myself stranded on dimly lit, rarely traveled stretches of what usually ended up to be highway 101. I adored the coast, still do, and as often as I found myself stranded, I had many comfortable nights being sung to sleep by Grandmother Ocean. Of course just as often, I'd be awakened by Cousin Rain and mischievous Cousin Wind.
So here I go, off on an adventure all alone and I end up in the wooded section of highway 101 where when dark falls, there is no reprieve...no streetlights to keep one company, no lingering traveler to possibly stop and pick up a young American Indian hitchhiker who most likely didn't have any shoes on that day. I hunkered down in front of a huge comforting redwood (more often than not, these giants were my comfort and company throughout these years)
The dark began to whisper and I will admit something here: I was then somewhat trepidatious of night sounds...I still am:-) so being alone but with bravado I will only attribute to the strength of that redwood tree I began to sing. I started tremulously and the only song that would come to mind was a silly song of the 70's
"Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud
Sing out strong
Sing of good things not bad
Sing of happy not sad.
Sing, sing a song
Make it simple to last
Your whole life long
Don't worry that it's not
Good enough for anyone
Else to hear
Just sing, sing a song.
Sing, sing a song
Let the world sing along
Sing of love there could be
Sing for you and for me."
I sat in front of that tree and sang this song until I was hoarse and finally fell asleep.
Awakened by the birds in the morning, I got up, stretched and thought to climb the little hill behind the tree to go about my morning oblations. Imagine my surprise when I got to the crest of that little hill (so well hidden by the tree), looked down the other side and what did I see?
AN ENTIRE LITTLE COMMUNITY...yes, a quiet one, no one seemed to even be stirring about yet but I COULD smell coffee wafting joyously towards me.
HOW EMBARRASSING for me, but can you imagine THEM? LOL being serenaded by this young voice from the dark!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Truth is, one day, none of us will know when, the sky IS going to light up, the fire's going to be somewhere near people who are loved and suddenly, thousands, millions, maybe even ALL life essences as we know them will be extinguished.
My hope, strength and peace in the midst of that dark knowledge is this: THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME.
Today I canceled my FB membership. In the glaring light of constant electronic traffic I realized "FB is not only the social network, it's the distraction, the false idol and the utter nonsense of these days." I tire of the constant whining of relatives "does ANYONE know where I can get a cheap so and so?" This looks so innocent and I've seen many respond, but looking deeper you can see "Does anyone have a so and so they can give me so I don't have to go buy one of my own? I SO need these new shoes instead!"
Ah the utter jaded soul. I don't want it! I want to remember the snowy days with purity and innocence. I want to share thoughts that are read in more than a fleeting glance; I want MORE...
So long FB, HELLO BLOG...I've missed you!!!!!!