a year or so ago my brother and i went on a drive...i blogged about it, it was called "the toppermost part of the world" we drove to the top of a mountain and saw some amazing and exciting and beautiful and FUN sights...i remember one moment with clarity today and that was my observation of the trees as they whipped by.
each tree up there was individually formed with a specific design. you could tell Creator had said "ahhh this tree is going to say Strength and THIS tree is going to say Fortitude but hm, this little tree will say humility and ohhh look! this tree is going to say BEAUTY"
what struck me then and i'm reminded of today is that each tree grows as seeded...there is no questioning, no agonizing over "who am i and where is my place?" there is only roots digging deeper and branches raised HIGH to the sun each new day...i was watching them as they whipped by me and i remember my brother asking me "what are you seeing" that day and i could hardly put it into words THEN because i was so taken by the realization that if can just grasp that TINY little concept that we were created and put in THIS place for THIS reason and not keep desperately scrambling for our place we'd have so much PEACE.
on the left in the picture on this blog is Yellow Wolf, a Nez Perce warrior who changed his world and the people he lead...how? because he knew his place and wasn't afraid to stand there.
why say this now? epiphany:-)
Thursday, June 7, 2007
perhaps i should warn you this particular blog is a bit of a confessional as some of the things herein are entirely out of character and i'm a bit chagrined to know i am this person but then there's other parts that are like "hey - wow...i'm really just a peaceful lovin' woman" and then there's the OTHER part that's sheer conundrum! LOL! enjoy anyway:
so...okay...here's the deal: last night my brother and i were out...i was driver, so was drinking a nice cold glass of club soda with lime but he was NOT driving...get the picture? okay anyway, we had a really sad thing happen to us over the weekend and we were talking about it and things got a little intense if you will and this WEIRDO lady came up and started hanging on my brother and patting him tritely and saying STUPID things like "stop that now, people are LOOKING at you" and other such nonsense...
THAT WAS ONE...
we went through our night and visited with some and he told them of our sorrow and they gave the appropriate words and MOVED ON...WEIRDO lady came back and bought him another beer and then started talking in the loudest most CHARLIE BROWN'S TEACHER voice you've ever heard and saying the most RIDICULOUS inanities i have to tell you i was about to lay her out and please know, i am not on an every day basis a violent person.
THAT WAS TWO - wanna go for THREE anyone?
so i let her have her little moment with my brother until she said something i found intolerable and i turned to look at her - she immediately came over to me and tried patting ME on the back saying "you okay? you okay?" and i said to her that yes, i'm okay and she is welcome to leave us to our privacy, we have this under control and she persisted in the incessant PATTING so i said "no really...please go" and she kind of backed away...
fast forward, some laughter and story sharing later, and she came BACK to my brother and put her arms around him and said "you know, you must stop now people are LOOKING at you and EVERYONE knows what you're doing and you're just making EVERYONE in here SAD for you and BLAHBLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH BLAH!!!!"
so okay...i won't lie to you...i looked at her and said "okay now you're done just walk away...we don't need you here just walk away" she persisted with her depravity and i looked at her with uh, shall we say pointedness and said "really...WALK AWAY" and she kept patting him and saying well he...well he...and so i turned fully around and told her "okay now i've said it nicely and i'm telling you right now i don't even know you and i don't HAVE to be nice to you. you really need to just move away from us...this won't end up going your way ok? leave?" and she STILL kept it up so I stood up...
apparently this was enough of a threat to her that she backed instantly away and that's my confessional...i DO have violence in me and there IS nothing new under the sun...human nature reigned and there i was in all my humanity with no pretense...NOT PRETTY. long story short...the bartender who is a really good friend of ours was looking at me like "who are you and what have you done with my friend?" but his WORDS were "dang! i was scared for a second! i thought you were gonna SHANK her!!!" LOL.
but KNOW THIS: my brother's well-being is apparently pretty important to me:-)
now...i have also been a great proponent of open expression of affection and familial protection for those around them - it started with the loss of a dear friend Bratty who i had the honor of calling the day before she passed away and i DID have the chance to tell her "Bratty i really love you and i just hope you get better soon" i miss her BADLY to this day, but am so blessed to have been given that chance to say that to her...
so that's the flip side of my confession...some things are NOT better left unsaid...if the need arises to speak strongly and violently against outside forces with intent to harm then SPEAK those words...if you need to tell someone you love them then please for pete's sake just stop what you're doing, call them and SAY it because that moment might be the last chance you get to tell them that!!!!
on the other hand if the worst should happen just know in the depth of your heart that the person you loved KNEW you loved them and took that love with them to the other side.
it's all good, we're all okay...