pervasive sadness

Two weeks ago my mother passed. this was a sad and intense time for my siblings and I, six brothers and one sister as well as our children extended family. Although it was a sad time, we were also quite thankful for the end of our mother's suffering, she'd fought valiantly against cancer for many, many years. I'm the oldest now...which in so many ways just seems WRONG - wait! I need someone to tell ME what to do too!!!!

I'm sure many are familiar with the pangs that accompany the loss of a great influence in our lives...our mothers, fathers, older siblings, aunties, uncles...but I guess the older I get and the more acquainted I become with the stark reality of the afterlife, I find myself sometimes longing for a glimpse from their side of the sky...in my culture we dress our beloved in pure white buckskin clothing so that on that final day as the sun rises, we all will rise with the sun dressed in our finest. We have women who dress the women and men who dress the men and a song is sung throughout this ceremony. As I ran my hand across my mother's final garment I couldn't help but celebrate the fresh whiteness of this dress and I pictured her rising in the sun as a young vibrant woman running to greet the love of her life, my "dad" Wes who passed over a year ago. I picked up her little moccasins for her feet were much like mine...round and short...I had to smile at imagining her dancing with my dad.

So although there is a pervasive sadness in the loss, I feel a great joy on her behalf as well as an excitement to the core of my being for MY day to take that journey although I do intend to hang around here for quite some time first.

My little brother (little brother being almost 40)called me this morning and when I answered the phone all I could hear was him trying not to cry...I thought for a second "how am I going to do this...I don't have this kind of  I wish I would have told him about these moments I had considered about our mother, I believe I will...