Thursday, November 18, 2010

pervasive sadness

Two weeks ago my mother passed. this was a sad and intense time for my siblings and I, six brothers and one sister as well as our children extended family. Although it was a sad time, we were also quite thankful for the end of our mother's suffering, she'd fought valiantly against cancer for many, many years. I'm the oldest now...which in so many ways just seems WRONG - wait! I need someone to tell ME what to do too!!!!

I'm sure many are familiar with the pangs that accompany the loss of a great influence in our lives...our mothers, fathers, older siblings, aunties, uncles...but I guess the older I get and the more acquainted I become with the stark reality of the afterlife, I find myself sometimes longing for a glimpse from their side of the sky...in my culture we dress our beloved in pure white buckskin clothing so that on that final day as the sun rises, we all will rise with the sun dressed in our finest. We have women who dress the women and men who dress the men and a song is sung throughout this ceremony. As I ran my hand across my mother's final garment I couldn't help but celebrate the fresh whiteness of this dress and I pictured her rising in the sun as a young vibrant woman running to greet the love of her life, my "dad" Wes who passed over a year ago. I picked up her little moccasins for her feet were much like mine...round and short...I had to smile at imagining her dancing with my dad.

So although there is a pervasive sadness in the loss, I feel a great joy on her behalf as well as an excitement to the core of my being for MY day to take that journey although I do intend to hang around here for quite some time first.

My little brother (little brother being almost 40)called me this morning and when I answered the phone all I could hear was him trying not to cry...I thought for a second "how am I going to do this...I don't have this kind of  I wish I would have told him about these moments I had considered about our mother, I believe I will...

5 comments:

Wookies Girl said...

Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it. I'm sorry for your loss and I understand your way of finding peace within it.

Grandma K said...

Thank you for sharing this with us. It was a beautiful post, and letting us see into your culture a bit more.

BB said...

Dear Shawna
I am very sorry for your loss,i hope you and your loved ones are well and i hope you Mother will find everlasting peace.
Here´s a little something that i would like to share with you.It´s a small movie called "Substantia" that means "substance" in English.
And this sort of substance is something thhat you have plenty off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qdf7X9Pw94

Peace and love dear friend.

flying eagle woman said...

Thank you all for your kind words...you're all just really amazing people!
HUGS
Shawna

Mary said...

I am so very sorry for your loss and the burden of responsibility that now becomes yours. Thank you for sharing your story and beautiful customs with us. Hugs and blessings...Mary