Friday, May 14, 2010

complicated...

It's been awhile...and even as I write this, I'm wondering how to put the depth of the last few weeks into words.

In this world of my reservation we call our cousins as brother and sister...we're just that close. Maybe we fight from time to time but you know the deal - close ranks if an outsider tries to chime in.

My cousin passed away last week. She was such a human. The longhouse was filled from one end to the other with people mourning her passing but celebrating her life. She was a giver, a smiler, a tough truth speaker...it was a rich and eloquent few days.

My mom is extremely sick, was doing quite well but on routine checkup found that cancer had again decided to show her who's boss...so there's that, then if that wasn't enough her congestive heart failure (for those of you who may not know, this, as it turns out, is a CHRONIC condition...) reared its ugly head and has ravaged her breathing capacity...one thing after another and she's been laid up for several weeks now...

I've shared my story before, how as a young girl I was adopted out to non-Indians as we call them...I was raised in an unhappy abusive home albeit quite comfortable in some ways...finally at the age of 21 I met my biological family and have been for 31 years building a new "home" in my heart.

This didn't include my mom for as it turns out, we didn't bond immediately, actually, we may never do so, but when I look at her life I'm grateful for the sacrifices she made for we eleven of her offspring...it couldn't have been easy.

My brother and son don't actually believe she'll get to come home this time so I find myself wanting to do small things for her...she understands I think that we're at that point in our lives where we must let bygones be bygones and look into eternity.

4 comments:

Charlie said...

There are no words for explaining pain that comes from the soul. And it's equally difficult to express my condolences for your beloved cousin, other than to say I'm sorry for his passing.

Your mother was far from perfect, just as all we humans are. But the past cannot be changed, and reconciliation is the way forward. Regret is a terrible thing to live with, but forgiveness is strength.

Christiejolu said...

I am sorry for your loss....

I am glad you are able to forgive your Mom and understand what she thought she did for your good.

My heart is going out to you Shawna!

bonequinhoda bic said...

Shawna, i am sorry for your loss !

I always learn something new from you and believe me when i tell you that you are a great teacher.

Many times i loose my faith in human kind.
Many times i search your blog and find hope again.

Thank you for...well, just thank you !

Grandma K said...

Shawna, I send you my condolences and love. I know things have been very hard for you. I'm glad you are doing for your mother, and have some understanding for her faults. May you find some peace.