Deadlines await:-)
HAPPY WEDNESDAY ALL!!!!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
ohhhhhh I don't want to WOOORRRKK TODAY!!!!!!!
Deadlines await:-)
HAPPY WEDNESDAY ALL!!!!!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Honor Song...
On Saturday my brother, #1 son and I loaded up in our van and off we went to a small pow wow in a neighboring town. We'd been told they would do an honor song for our "dad" (actual foster dad to my brother, and quasi-adopted dad to me, we both called him "Pa" and loved him dearly) who had passed away last year. Off we went.
The drive over was interesting enough, the trees seem to greet us as we went by, "hey - good to see you guys again, drive safely!" and we saw a lot of beautiful sights on the way over...small tendrils of mossy growth wistfully climbing aged rock walls; tree nurseries full of baby fir trees laughing, playing and falling over each other as fat baby beings will do...it was a nice drive.
We got to the Pow Wow and actually none of us were really "feeling" it but as we walked in I could see my son getting that "ohhhhh yeah, I missed this" look on his face. We visited and laughed with people around us in line for the nice dinner hosted by the Pow wow group then it was time for grand entry.
We watched grand entry, snapped a few shots of different people we love or look up to then it was time. We admired the hard work and artistry that went into many of our friends and relatives outfits and we especially took in the elder women as they danced in with all their dignity and experience in their traditional dresses. Our sister Jacky called us over and we trotted off obediently and got in line with the "family."
The emcee started talking about the honoring...how do you "honor" these two people who had left us? Atway Jay, a leader and historian, one who carried with him traditions and knowledge unfathomable in depth, Atway Jeri, the richly magnificent mom of a beautiful family and the core of our gatherings, the one who laughed with us when we were happy, and gently patted us when we were sad, who would say sharp things yet with a smile and gentle voice.
I had only met them in the 90's when working at an urban arm of tribal government. I had been hired as the receptionist and Atway Jay had greeted me with a handshake and smile, asking who my family was, then telling me "oh I know all about you." Then came Jeri who finding out my background, took me under her wing without question. From that day forward they would look in on me everytime they were around and they would expect me to be a part of their lives.
There's no way to express the importance of this connection because as the story goes, I was raised pretty much without anyone who would do this. Later, I went home to my own family, my mother, brothers and the whole huge extended core of my being. Long story short, coming home was as rough as being away were it not for the patient guidance of a few of my brothers and cousins.
In retrospect I understand my biological mother had a rough life. So rough, it's truly astounding that she survived. The lesson learned here is that each individual deals with adverse situations differently.
Upon coming home to stay within one year I'd lost my cousin, auntie and other parts of my being. I planned on diving into this amazing family and started with my "dad" who then passed away with cancer...I turned to my mom who had chosen a life path of brusque harshness with which to shield her soul from the paralyzing blows life had dealt her. She stood tall up to the end with her snapping eyes and quick retort, but the strength in her made me speechless with awe; For some reason she never "took" to me. For many reasons actually. I am the spitting image of my father whom I'm told was a laugh a minute and as kind as you could ask for when he was sober...and the utter and absolute opposite when he was drunk - which was more often than not. In many ways, I represented what she once was and no longer could be...although to myself I often feel old and used up, to her I must have been the picture of vitality taking the world by the tail and spinning it at whim...for whatever reasons, after her passing, I found that she had not even acknowledged me in her will as her offspring...something I continue growing used to without pangs of that young child standing in the cold...
Atway Jay and Jeri took the sting of my mother's treatment of me away. Where she degraded me and scoffed at my hopes and dreams, they sheltered me and advised me. Where she scratched at my psyche and poured salt into exposed nerve, they loved me and poured healing rosewater songs into my wounded soul. The world was a shaky place and they made it safe.
All of these things zipped through my mind as I danced around the pow wow floor with this amazing extended family. I wondered how I could ever express these things to those to whom it matters. I realized I just can't. I couldn't get the words out because as I recalled Jeri's gentle voice urging me forward I started to cry...when I remembered Jay's words after I ran for a particular office and lost, he took me aside and told me "don't you be ashamed, you did a good job, a damn good job, you be PROUD of yourself." He always expected our best...it would never have occurred to him that what we attempted we might not achieve. When we tried to take a step back he would just laugh at us and push us forward...if he didn't laugh we would actually JUMP forward:-)
The drive over was interesting enough, the trees seem to greet us as we went by, "hey - good to see you guys again, drive safely!" and we saw a lot of beautiful sights on the way over...small tendrils of mossy growth wistfully climbing aged rock walls; tree nurseries full of baby fir trees laughing, playing and falling over each other as fat baby beings will do...it was a nice drive.
We got to the Pow Wow and actually none of us were really "feeling" it but as we walked in I could see my son getting that "ohhhhh yeah, I missed this" look on his face. We visited and laughed with people around us in line for the nice dinner hosted by the Pow wow group then it was time for grand entry.
We watched grand entry, snapped a few shots of different people we love or look up to then it was time. We admired the hard work and artistry that went into many of our friends and relatives outfits and we especially took in the elder women as they danced in with all their dignity and experience in their traditional dresses. Our sister Jacky called us over and we trotted off obediently and got in line with the "family."
The emcee started talking about the honoring...how do you "honor" these two people who had left us? Atway Jay, a leader and historian, one who carried with him traditions and knowledge unfathomable in depth, Atway Jeri, the richly magnificent mom of a beautiful family and the core of our gatherings, the one who laughed with us when we were happy, and gently patted us when we were sad, who would say sharp things yet with a smile and gentle voice.
I had only met them in the 90's when working at an urban arm of tribal government. I had been hired as the receptionist and Atway Jay had greeted me with a handshake and smile, asking who my family was, then telling me "oh I know all about you." Then came Jeri who finding out my background, took me under her wing without question. From that day forward they would look in on me everytime they were around and they would expect me to be a part of their lives.
There's no way to express the importance of this connection because as the story goes, I was raised pretty much without anyone who would do this. Later, I went home to my own family, my mother, brothers and the whole huge extended core of my being. Long story short, coming home was as rough as being away were it not for the patient guidance of a few of my brothers and cousins.
In retrospect I understand my biological mother had a rough life. So rough, it's truly astounding that she survived. The lesson learned here is that each individual deals with adverse situations differently.
Upon coming home to stay within one year I'd lost my cousin, auntie and other parts of my being. I planned on diving into this amazing family and started with my "dad" who then passed away with cancer...I turned to my mom who had chosen a life path of brusque harshness with which to shield her soul from the paralyzing blows life had dealt her. She stood tall up to the end with her snapping eyes and quick retort, but the strength in her made me speechless with awe; For some reason she never "took" to me. For many reasons actually. I am the spitting image of my father whom I'm told was a laugh a minute and as kind as you could ask for when he was sober...and the utter and absolute opposite when he was drunk - which was more often than not. In many ways, I represented what she once was and no longer could be...although to myself I often feel old and used up, to her I must have been the picture of vitality taking the world by the tail and spinning it at whim...for whatever reasons, after her passing, I found that she had not even acknowledged me in her will as her offspring...something I continue growing used to without pangs of that young child standing in the cold...
Atway Jay and Jeri took the sting of my mother's treatment of me away. Where she degraded me and scoffed at my hopes and dreams, they sheltered me and advised me. Where she scratched at my psyche and poured salt into exposed nerve, they loved me and poured healing rosewater songs into my wounded soul. The world was a shaky place and they made it safe.
All of these things zipped through my mind as I danced around the pow wow floor with this amazing extended family. I wondered how I could ever express these things to those to whom it matters. I realized I just can't. I couldn't get the words out because as I recalled Jeri's gentle voice urging me forward I started to cry...when I remembered Jay's words after I ran for a particular office and lost, he took me aside and told me "don't you be ashamed, you did a good job, a damn good job, you be PROUD of yourself." He always expected our best...it would never have occurred to him that what we attempted we might not achieve. When we tried to take a step back he would just laugh at us and push us forward...if he didn't laugh we would actually JUMP forward:-)
No, there aren't enough words, not enough songs to honor these two who are now gone, but often I see them; I see Atway Jay's smile in his grandson, and Jeri's affectionate touch in her daughter...I see his determination and grit in his grand daughter's eyes, and his quick smile in my own son's dance. I often hear her voice, our Mugg, when I question "should I do this or not?" and she would just look at me and say "GET OUT THERE" or "YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO" and then just smile and shake her head...I miss her delightful little gifts she would bring me from time to time, a little purple picture frame, a purple flowered bag, a richly colored purple barrette.
When I look at my brother as he moves forward to what is expected of him I remember how Jay always used to tell him "it's YOUR turn now"
Honor...the legacy these two left is that there are many younger people with a vision...two of us are working in our way towards this vision. Everything they stood for was about honor...and as long as there are songs to sing, causes to fight for, issues to resolve, the legacy of these two will stand.
Friday, April 22, 2011
relying on the kindness of strangers
It's so easy to get jaded in this world. A rude bus driver, that one woman who incessantly yells at her children in the most nasal, whiny yet raspy voice you've ever heard; the close "friend" who steals your cashed paycheck right off your desk while you're finishing a last minute chore. These are examples of why we finally throw our hands in the air and say "that's it, I'll not trust another living soul as long as I live."
For awhile this works out well. We go along in our lives as though in our human hamster wheels...go to work, go home, go to the store, go to the bar...go home, go to work, on and on...we don't touch anyone and we certainly try our hardest not to let anyone touch US!
Every now and then someone comes along to shift our perspective back and we can once again breathe a sigh of warm relief and realize that bitterness makes one brittle; unforgiveness makes one tired and ill.
I was running late yesterday on my flight home from a week-long conference. Tired, broke (really REALLY broke) and physically sore I waited in line behind a long line of people from another country who try as they might could not fit the required weight limit in their stainless steel luggage and who in broken english were trying their hardest to dissuade the counter worker from keeping the rules. Time ticked by and although I'd arrived at the airport in ample time, my little margin was wearing thin. I finally got to the counter, got my boarding pass, checked my luggage and was told HURRY boarding starts in 25 minutes.
Off I hurried to get to what I thought I had heard was gate D6. My legs were hurting and I know I probably looked pretty pitiful when the dulcet tones of a beautiful airline goddess said to me "Miss, please come this way" and she ushered me through a delightful gate from the long line of those awaiting security checks to being the second in line. Bless her heart. I was relieved and my carry on and I sailed through.
I got to gate D6 and realized I had made a mistake, it was actually gate D26 I was supposed to be at so I hurried to my correct gate, got on the plane and for the rest of my trip everything was amazing.
Thank you kind lady in Las Vegas, you have restored the balance of my reality!!!!!!!
For awhile this works out well. We go along in our lives as though in our human hamster wheels...go to work, go home, go to the store, go to the bar...go home, go to work, on and on...we don't touch anyone and we certainly try our hardest not to let anyone touch US!
Every now and then someone comes along to shift our perspective back and we can once again breathe a sigh of warm relief and realize that bitterness makes one brittle; unforgiveness makes one tired and ill.
I was running late yesterday on my flight home from a week-long conference. Tired, broke (really REALLY broke) and physically sore I waited in line behind a long line of people from another country who try as they might could not fit the required weight limit in their stainless steel luggage and who in broken english were trying their hardest to dissuade the counter worker from keeping the rules. Time ticked by and although I'd arrived at the airport in ample time, my little margin was wearing thin. I finally got to the counter, got my boarding pass, checked my luggage and was told HURRY boarding starts in 25 minutes.
Off I hurried to get to what I thought I had heard was gate D6. My legs were hurting and I know I probably looked pretty pitiful when the dulcet tones of a beautiful airline goddess said to me "Miss, please come this way" and she ushered me through a delightful gate from the long line of those awaiting security checks to being the second in line. Bless her heart. I was relieved and my carry on and I sailed through.
I got to gate D6 and realized I had made a mistake, it was actually gate D26 I was supposed to be at so I hurried to my correct gate, got on the plane and for the rest of my trip everything was amazing.
Thank you kind lady in Las Vegas, you have restored the balance of my reality!!!!!!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
this moms view...
i hear horrific news from afar
and on the winds i hear cries of mothers
searching for children long lost in
the tumult
my spirit weeps when a child i see
picking through
piles of rubble in tears
once home
far away or right next door
mothers arise to
battle the horrors
of night
creatures of prey
rustle through walls
each day more terror
is wrought
and one day soon
the songs will arise
sung from mothers of forever
woven of the sun
and harmonized
by light
yes one day soon
when songs arise
sung by mothers
notes of justice
on wings of laughter
healing
Not that I believe moms are always right because if you walk down any aisle in any supermarket it's clear they're not, but I'm reminded of mothers such as the mom of Chief Joseph, or Yellow Wolf, any of the courageous men who fought for our tribes' sovereignty and I'm reminded even of battles long before us...there is always of a mom who taught a warrior the right way...if you listen closely you can hear them singing in the background when any world trauma happens...or any world joy...or even just if its a clear sunny day...
and on the winds i hear cries of mothers
searching for children long lost in
the tumult
my spirit weeps when a child i see
picking through
piles of rubble in tears
once home
far away or right next door
mothers arise to
battle the horrors
of night
creatures of prey
rustle through walls
each day more terror
is wrought
and one day soon
the songs will arise
sung from mothers of forever
woven of the sun
and harmonized
by light
yes one day soon
when songs arise
sung by mothers
notes of justice
on wings of laughter
healing
Not that I believe moms are always right because if you walk down any aisle in any supermarket it's clear they're not, but I'm reminded of mothers such as the mom of Chief Joseph, or Yellow Wolf, any of the courageous men who fought for our tribes' sovereignty and I'm reminded even of battles long before us...there is always of a mom who taught a warrior the right way...if you listen closely you can hear them singing in the background when any world trauma happens...or any world joy...or even just if its a clear sunny day...
Wild n Woolly!
OMG such a weekend it was...
My granddaughters arrived in shifts...the two youngest arrived first, as princesses ought, tiaras awry from the long drive however nothing daunted, they stepped from the chariot with due dignity giving way to screams of adoration over the two "Fats" (Buttons and Sussy the dogs).
My granddaughters arrived in shifts...the two youngest arrived first, as princesses ought, tiaras awry from the long drive however nothing daunted, they stepped from the chariot with due dignity giving way to screams of adoration over the two "Fats" (Buttons and Sussy the dogs). The oldest granddaughter arrived late at night carried in on a litter of soft blankets and her dad's jacket...
Oh yes, and my daughter J and son D also arrived with their significant others in tow...
The raucous laughter at bawdy jokes...amazing food prepared by daughter-in-law who's in culinary school...sleepy songs sung to restless toddlers...an impromptu bonfire (actually, this was a "Tom Sawyer-ish" scheme I thought of on the fly...something like this - "I love this big fire out here...it's fun because I just keep finding things to BURN in it" and viola! my yard was cleaned!)...FINALLY some time to catch up on "girl" talk with my two daughters...
I am rich and my life is BEAUTIFUL.
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