Thursday, March 29, 2007


I don't like heavy jackets...I'll wear them in the deepest cold of winter but other than freezing and below I just don't like them, they're cumbersome and HOT...
I'm also trying to break free from the unconscious wearing of black...I am not in spirit is blooming after years of lying dormant under cracked and sweltering soil...
The only jacket I've been able to find lately, is this big black sweatshirt lovingly given to me by my baby (for realz, he IS the baby) brother and I wear it cheerfully and gratefully, but am daily becoming more aware its lack of propriety in the NEW ME phase...
Today, without telling anyone, I was just browsing around in one of those shopping know the ones...looking for a used purple windbreaker...that was my search...windbreaker is all I wanted because I don't like anything heavier from now until winter! I almost dozed off, got up to walk around and when I got to the front office my favoritest coworker and relative Tree See tells me "hey! I've got a purple raincoat for you" and pulls out the PERFECT PURPLE RAINCOAT...she explains that the lining is still at home and I'm just looking at her in amazement...HOW DID SHE KNOW????
So that's my story know the song "something good" in Sound of Music? That's how I'm feeling...

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somwhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth...
...Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good...
It's a simple joy really, but OH MY GOSH how profound the serendipity!!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

exquisite pain,

i’d chase your sparkles to the end of the earth
you’ve been my addiction since the day of your birth
nothing you do makes me love you the less
you’re stronger than me sometimes, i guess

so don’t think it awry when i ask you these things
questions become merry-go-round rings
i’ll grab what i can be it gold, silver or brass
and i’ll hold it to me like precious clear glass

each smile you send me, each moment’s delight
i tack on my wall and watch in the night
conversely the times when you push me away
exquisite pain... my sun turns to grey...

random piercing of sorrow the tears will flow
i’m not going to tell you, i won’t let you know
how deeply you wound me how often i weep
because tomorrow your sparkle again will i keep...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


wandering aimlessly empty it seems

caught in the net of my hopeless dreams

too sad for tears and too scared to speak

heart always pounding, knees always weak

looking in windows always with ache

afraid to go in, who knows what they’ll take

lost little girl in tattered attire

how to live life in this endless fire?

this aimless path moves toward the fork

ah, an end to all this work!

aches always end with sweet relief

and no one can carry eternal grief

there’s light up ahead near the sun by the river

i see the Hope and can hear the Forgiver

i’ll dance in the circle and sing in the Light

my spirit will soar my heart will take flight

i give thanks for the truth that blinded the lies

of those who would hold me in darkness and ties

i give thanks for the Light and for the new day

and thanks for my home and that’s where i’ll stay

Thursday, March 22, 2007

i believe i can fly...

I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

Spread my wings and fly away

I believe I can soar

I see me running through that open door

I believe I can fly

...which just sounds so damn cheezy but hey, here i am almost 50...deeper scars from childhood wounds and FINALLY some healing...

i will rejoice in this flight.

Friday, March 16, 2007


I was just listening to Tony Robbins do something about fear of failure or something like that and he was talking along in know...inimitable voice (LOLOL) but the phrase I remember (and out of 48 minutes this is ALL I remember) is that someone once characterized fear as this: False Evidence that Appears Real...

My brother would be the first to tell you that this is true for me. I think that's all I'm going to say about this subject but I'm putting it on this blog for two reasons.

1. When you write something it becomes THAT much more real to you.

2. I'm telling those of you who read this because something about transparent honesty solves more problems than hiding in the dark...

Thanks for listening:-)

Monday, March 12, 2007

celilo commemoration...

On our way to the big memorial and just for s & g let me tell you some of the history as I know it: On March 10, 1957 the Celilo Falls was flooded to give way to the massive steel and concrete gates of The Dalles Dam. Six hours later and eight miles upstream, Wy-am (Celilo Falls), the age-old Indian salmon fishery was under water.
That was 50 years ago. The ancient ones left a record of their lives in the ashes of campfires and buried sanctuaries of their dead. They left tools and weapons, items of adornment, and samples of their art. Their record of habitation proves Wy-am to be one of the longest occupied sites on the continent.
For its thousands of years of human civilization, Wy-am was one of history's great market places. A half dozen tribes had permanent villages between the falls and where the dam now stands. As many as 5,000 people would gather to trade, feast, and participate in games and religious ceremonies.
Celilo Falls during fishing season. Carefully constructed scaffolds lined the areas surrounding the turbulent waters flowing through the falls.Elders and chiefs regulated the fishing, permitting none until after the first salmon ceremony. Each day, fishing started and ended at the sound of a whistle. There was no night fishing. And when a fisherman was pulled into the water during his pursuit - most who fell did not survive - all fishing ceased for the day. In later years, each fisherman was required to tie a rope around his waist, with the other end fastened to the shore. Old people and others without family members able to fish could take what they needed from the catches. Visiting tribes were given what they could transport to their homes. The rest belonged to the fishermen and their families.
When the United States government submerged Celilo Falls in 1957, it compensated the tribes for flooding their fishing sites. It did not, however, purchase their fishing rights. Those rights, as set forth in the 1855 treaties, were not in principle affected when the government paid for inundating tribal fishing sites, but the tribes' economic base was shattered. Francis Seufert in Wheels of Progress, his book about his family's many years as cannery owners and operators in the Celilo area, explained, "The government, in paying the Indians for destroying their fishing sites at Celilo, was doing no more for the Indians than the United States government did for Seufert's when they bought Seufert's shore lands that were flooded out by The Dalles Dam pool."

These pictures are from the commemoration day although they are not from the Celilo village - my brother and I went upriver to the Deschutes another historic spot and that's where these pictures are from...
If you're reading this please DO check out the information on Celilo, it will open your eyes to yet another facet of this nation...

Monday, March 5, 2007

when Brother shapeshifted into a sperm whale!

Sunday morning I awoke from the most vivid dream I still carry it with I'm going to blog it and see what comes from it:

My brother and I were walking around not really going anywhere but just being together and talking about things (which is something we do and I totally love every minute of it) and we came across a big industrial building. Being of the curious nature, both of us were like "hey WOW a fun place to explore!" and in we first it WAS fun, we went through hallways and doorways and could smell tar and work stuff, saw machinery and climbed around it...we somehow got separated and I realized in one of my hallway wanderings that we'd been here before and we'd been separated first I was unafraid, just kind of twisting and turning and sometimes calling him and sometimes he'd even answer..."Brother where are you?" "I'm over HERE freak!" and we'd laugh and I'd keep trying to catch up with him but somehow it turned into a more menacing situation with toxic waste rushing down in a first I thought it was water and I was just getting ready to splash in all happy and have fun then this Indian (not American Indian) guy stopped me and said "no that's POISON" so I was a little taken aback and just looked. He threw a stick into the water and it dissolved instantly and I was NOW afraid of the stuff. More wandering and I could no longer hear my brother or even sense that he was anywhere near.
My wandering took days and I fell into the liquid and burnt my hands. At times I would cry and was afraid I'd never see my brother again...
Finally, I got to a place near the outside of this "tire factory" and there he was standing with some other people...I ran down to him and they all kind of laughed, they said "He wasn't going to leave without you, he's been waiting here for a couple days!" So I hugged my brother and out the gate we went finally! WOW...we talked about the things we'd seen inside, and my hands were sore but I was okay. We looked at my hands and they were badly burnt, but he said he knew where there was some stuff to wash them with to heal them.
We were looking around the world we'd stepped into and I realized it was different and I turned to him and said "Wow, this is an ALTERNATE universe!!!" I was so excited! It was pretty fun, there were whales flying around in the air then down into the water below, some skate fish were flying and then gracefully dove into the water below, the water was the most astounding shade of aquamarine and the shrubbery was orangey purpley awesomeness...the ground was sandy mostly but also grassy along the edges...
We were watching some whales down below and all the sudden Michael Ray realized that one of them was trying to beach himself. He literally shapeshifted himself into a whale, flew down and dove under the beaching whale, he somehow wrapped his "arms" around the whale and flopped him back into the deeper water then stayed with him until he'd calmed down and quit trying to beach himself then suddenly Brother was standing next to me again all out of breath from flopping the whale...I didn't think anything of it, to me it seemed normal that my brother could shapeshift! (I still kind of do think that) We walked on and were enjoying the sights around us and it started getting dark, a group of what I thought were swans that glowed in the dark flew above us and made quite a spectacular show for us then I realized these were PHOENIXES!!! I was so excited!
Suddenly we got into a kind of human traffic jam and Brother grabbed my hand and told me whatever happens don't let go just keep up with me so I did...we ended up following a group of people who were pretty happy and talking some kind of political stuff about "going out and now it's time to go back in" and they were excited about going back in...suddenly I saw the TIRE FACTORY place in front of us and I started almost crying again I did NOT want to go in there again and Brother kept my hand tight and said it's okay it's okay stay with them but we won't go in don't worry...We ended up going in just the outer part where we had first found each other after I'd gotten lost and I was so afraid we'd be stuck back in there again but they let me right out.
They were going to try to keep Brother in there and I got myself ready to do whatever it took to get him out but they ended up letting him out...
We tried to warn people from going in there from the outside but they either wouldn't hear us or ignored us and went right in...

But this I brother can shapeshift into a whale without even TRYING!!!

Friday, March 2, 2007

Bunny Tree hit the snooze again!

So here's the thing...we humans thought "yes, it's time for winter to be over, let's roll out the green grass and open up the cloudy shades, let's have the sun shine in and let's warm our hands by the yellow daffodils..."
yup, that's what we were thinkin' but here's the thing, y'know that Bunny Tree down the road? He was thinkin' "oh please just ONE MORE SNOOZE on my snooze alarm!!!!" he quickly reached his paw out from the ground and clicked that snooze button just ONE MORE TIME and voila!!! SNOW!!!
Auntie Umatilla had started putting on her Spring Shawl but she saw the delight of the Trees down along her bank and said "oh okay, ONE MORE sparkly snowy play day!!!" and MORE SNOW...
Ya see the facts are we're not the ones in charge here...don't tell anyone but we're much smaller than we imagine ourselves; I heard the horses down the road kind of chuckling as we drove by "oh yes, there they go, they think they're in charge of the universe but (and here Mrs. Bay Mare lifted her hoof oh so daintily) they're just little KIDS aren't they?" she turned to Mr. Black Angus who was still a little offended about the you-know-what which left him a Steer and not a Bull "In charge of the universe my ASS it makes me want to LAUGH or something" (you and I know that Angus's don't laugh...right?). Even Mariah Mouse threw in a tinkly laugh "well you know, we mustn't chide them...let them think it's Spring already!"
So out came a few leaf buds just to trick us...back to the Grey Mare in charge who lives right next to the Bunny's field..."WHHHHEEELLLLLL they're cute that's what!!!" and she ran up to the top of the Manure Mountain of Melodic McMusicness "I would sing but MAN my pigs are hurtin' from all this Winter Dance!"
Because that's what it is, first, the Winter Dance - graceful snowy cold and sparkly, then we eat the Celery and THEN we can do the Spring Dance...cheerful, rainy and green with spots of luminous sun to make us strong...
Well. At least that's the way Bunny Tree tells it...but shhhhh don't wake him up because you KNOW he'll just keep hittin' the snooze button until he DECIDES it's time to do the Spring Dance!!!!